A Better Nothingman's inner workings



Saturday, August 9, 2008

Instead of planning ahead, plan to be surprised.

Instead of planning ahead, plan to be surprised.

So often I find that as people get older and become more experienced the more they put up wards around themselves. I say wards because they do become prisons just as much as they are forts. The unfortunate things that occur through one's life creates a mental imprint of the pain and an outline of where it came from. Regardless of whether the outline is true and accurate, we plan ahead to shield ourselves from whatever that path was. Many of us make active, conscious efforts to work around what has now become innate cautions because we realize that some of them may be unnecessary. But ultimately it does linger in the back of our minds and indirectly influences our actions.

Most of us hide behind egocentric shields that generate the illusion that we are special. These self serving protective shields allow us to believe that each of us is above average on any test of self integrity. Too often we look to the stars through thick lens of personal invulnerabilities when we should also look down to the slippery slope beneath our feet. We all couldn't possibly be angels.

I haven't quite come to a conclusion on why good people do bad things but I'm beginning to realize that good and evil aren't two independent entities that they somehow became in my mind. The idea that a great divide separates good people from bad people is a source of comfort for at least two reasons. First it makes things black or white therefore evil (the bad) is essentialized. Most of us think of evil as an entity, a quality that is inherent in some and not in others. Secondly it takes good people off the responsibility hook. They are automatically free from the same scrutiny that those labeled evil are subject to.





- The world is filled with both good and evil
- The barrier between good and evil is permeable and nebulous
- It is possible for angels to become demons and demons to become angels

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Sense of comfort and security that delude you into happiness can be so easily rattled it makes me think twice about having them in the first place. I've been content with things for a while now. I've been enjoying life and the ride. The ups and downs of the hills were good.
You get used to that bullshit and feel secure in it. It's probably worse that you get settled into that feeling because when it's so abruptly torn away from you, you're left dumbfounded and feeling like a complete moron. Moron because you feel incredibly foolish for believing in the good of people. People are only good on the outside; what they really are are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. Given enough of an excuse to attain personal gain they'll do stupid ass shit.

That's it for now. Not going to edit it, spell check it, or try to phrase it better (more accurately)... it's out as I thought it.


I don't think I really feel this way ... just at the moment I do.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The ember of human experience that destroys us slowly

How did we become this way? How did I turn out like this. What you want I can't give you and it's tearing me up inside. I can feel my body become soul-less and the emptiness hurts so bad that I'm paralyzed. I try to fill it with rage but it betrays me and I end up hating myself in the end. Anything in that void is better than burning of it when it's empty. Heartless bodies roam this world and I fall right in line. There's so much more you deserve and I'm too fucked up in the head to be a good one. But why can't you understand that? Twisted minds and wretched souls aren't meant to be loved.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

I think Rob Zombie said it best when he sang "I feel so good, I Feel so numb, yeaaaah". It's becoming a strange state of being when indifference fills the hole of passion. The thought of it is absolutely frightening but I'm not scared. I sat awake in my bed this morning and just thought about what I'm doing with my life and really I'm doing a whole lot of nothing. It's unsatisfying to say the least and secretly it annoys me when others are happy. I suppose it's due to this ego I built up over the years that I can't understand why others deserve it over me. I suppose I want too much, as if there's going to be a shine of light onto my eyes that gives me spiritual happiness. It's fitting then that I write this in my dark room in the morning.
I'm scared of becoming someone who has accepted a pathetic existence but I feel that that's what's going to happen unless I find some purpose. I don't want the world to see me because I don't think that they'd understand. I just need to bleed just to know that I'm alive.

On a brighter note. I'm going to check out Finch at the Paradise Rock Club tonight Should be a bitchin' concert. This little outing is a result of me wanting to not be bored as much and if I'm going out all the time I can at least pretend like I'm doing something (if not distract me from the nothingness). OH wait, this was supposed to be the brighter note. my bad


Turn summer trees to bones and ice
Turn insect songs against the night
With words we build and words we break
I'm drunk drunk drunk in the gardens and the graves...